Since it’s four days until Christmas, I thought I’d make a list of four things I would like to find under the tree. Perhaps you would like to give me one of these things.
1. My Own Theme Song
Neither Exciting nor New, their theme song convinced us otherwise.
Wouldn’t it be fantastic to have a short musical number explaining to people how fun/badass/amazing you are every time you show up somewhere? I’d love to walk into a room and hear a funky chord progression or a kickass musical sting. Right now, all I hear is “Shit. Eric’s here. Let’s go.” Everyone from Darth Vader to Captain Stubing has had one. I think it’s time we all get on this and get some theme songs written for us! I mean, Sean Connery’s brother has one for crying out loud.
I guess I need to make a goofy 1960s spy movie…. Which brings me to the next item on the list:
2. An Arch Enemy
Bad shit happens to people all the time. It’s random, and it’s unfair. I’m talking everything from stubbing your toe to car accidents. But what if – WHAT IF – All that bad stuff that happened to you was because of one person? What if every time you lost your keys you could say “This looks like the work of Baron von Fist?” Soon, every mundane inconvenience would become an adventure. And every time you find the remote control under a couch cushion you could say “Not this time, Baron von Fist!” And then get back to watching your “Full House” DVD box set.
Bonus: Many Arch Enemies have daughters/girlfriends who will fall in love with you. And I’m sure Becky von Fist is hot.
3. A USB Port somewhere on my body.
Granted, I'd only be able to use it once...
I think this one is pretty much self-explanatory.
4. Well, it wouldn’t be Christmas for me without at least one Star Wars item on the list. No, I’m not asking to go back in time to slap sense into George Lucas before he decides to do Greedo Shooting First/Jar Jar Binks/Insert Thing That Fanboys Should Just Get Over. No, I want a Star Wars Thing.
If you could smell like one character from Star Wars, who would it be? Darth Vader would smell like an aging S&M enthusiast on a hot summer day. Han Solo would probably carry the lingering scents of engine grease and wet dog. And let’s face it, Yoda would have probably absorbed so much methane on Dagobah you could smell him three star systems away. I’ll tell you who I would want to smell like: Lando Calrissian. That’s why I’m glad there’s a real thing called Eau De Lando.
Works Every Time.
The description says that it smells of “Mandarin warmed with incense and lotus flower, exotic woods, dark violet and sensuous musk.” But we all know what it really smells like. It smells like Sex in Space. And that’s what Christmas is all about.
Merry Spacesexmas!
Eric
